It’s been a long time and truly hectic time too. I’ve survived three days of continuous shopping. That surely deserves a pat on the back, for someone like me, who is very choosy and rare shopper. So that s the best excuse I can give for my absence. I’ve been crazily busy with office work and outside work, so much that I’m really going nuts. And things are not done with yet and I cannot heave a sigh of relief. Huh!

So I had started enjoying and welcoming the winter and before I knew, bam! I had to do various things at the same time, which of course caused chaos in the eating and sleeping pattern. And I ended up with complete body pain and a half-filled stomach. But the spirit is still soaring high and I’m ready to take on the world. I don’t know if I can be regular but I’ll try my best, to at least give little snippets of updates, saying hello and posting irrelevant stuff. Hope and wish me to do the best with what I’ve got.

Will be back with new updates.

Cheerio!

PS: Just realized Mandy has made her blog protected. If you’re reading this Mandy, how in the world am I gonna read you now hon?

It is that time of the year which brings constant calm to my mind and a smile to my face. It is autumn, the pre-winter season. So to say my favorite season, for reasons like being able to snuggle in bed for a little longer, to hold a steaming cup of coffee and stare out of window at yellowing and withering leaves, to get wrapped in layers leaving a small gap to hold a book and read, to have endless cups of hot chocolate, to cook pakoras and eat with spicy churmuri, to give and take warm teddy bear hugs and not feel bad about the other person’s temperature being too warm. It is the season of love, I feel. Of pure, unadulterated love.

I love it when the winds start getting colder and the sun decides to take a break. Mind works a bit slower than the usual, taking its time to enjoy and take in the weather. I like to see the falling autumn leaves and the roads lined with trees and fallen yellowed leaves. There is something about the weather which makes me yearn for family and loved ones. I want to spend more time with them, making most of the time spent. It is this season that fills my mind with freshness and I don’t have one gloomy day. Pretty contrary to the literal sense of winter, you say. May be.

This is also the time when I want to travel. Wear heaps of clothes and go roaming. This might be because most of the crowd prefers to stay indoors and I usually get the streets/place to myself. But it kind of feels good to have a cold nose and ear tips after a round of walk in the cold. Still better to have a hot shower followed by good coffee and delicious food. Ah! That s what I call bliss.

I have no specific memories associated with winter. Of any season for that matter. But I know that I will have many memories that I can relate with this season. Starting now, with this post. Of course I remember doing a similar post last year too. It might sound pretty redundant but that is the love I have for it and for the blog.

Diwali is just round the corner (of course this topic should come up at such relevant times) and the spirit still hasn’t kicked in. This is my favorite festival. I love lighting diyas all over the place and spreading flower petals everywhere. I don’t like firecrackers and I’m avoiding them since 2 years now. Go-green I say and quit the crackers, do your bit to avoid noise and air-pollution.

This post is making me realize that the year is slowing advancing towards the finish line. Not slowly I’d say, because I fail to notice where the days go. It feels like some months ago the 2009 had set its foot in, now it’s already ending. I feel all mushy and emotional. This reminds me of all the pending meets with friends and how we slowly lose contact with each passing day. I’ll definitely make sure I call and meet the people who matter.

I’m having such mixed emotions right now and a lot to think about. But first let me begin by soaking in the coldness of the winter and welcome it into my warm heart. Rest will be dealt with as and when possible. Yes, I’m taking it real slow. That is how winter woks, remember?

The feeling of freshness when I wake up in the morning has gone, I catch myself thinking about the mundane chores as soon as I open my eyes (actually even before opening eyes) rather than imagining a perfect, happy day ahead and welcoming it with a smile. I am so caught up in the whirlwind of daily activities that I forget to be thankful for the day and time I’ve got and to make the best of it. I’ve been ignoring the truth that there really is so much more to my life, still waiting to be felt, experienced and lived. There is so much wonder, happiness and life in the world, and yet I fail to see it right.

If you still haven’t guessed, I’m in one of those moods; you know when one feels totally lost in the all too familiar world. It’s then one wants to go absconding or kidnap oneself and land in some unknown place with unknown people and lots of opportunities (Less the people the better). Or perhaps lots of opportunities to find the opportunities. To start new and fresh, like a new birth. To live a new life, know new people, make new friends and do things whose dreams are still hidden in the deep crevices of heart.

I want to hold the soil, plant a sapling, drench in the rain, free myself of tears which flow with the rain water, laugh knowing it will resound from the valleys, put a single jherbera in my hair and sway to the some odd-less-known tune, pack little necessary things and go hiking in the mountains, sleep under the shade of cool neem, wake up early to see the dew droplets still on the leaves and petals, extend my tongue to gently taste the dewdrop without disturbing it’s calm, see the sun set behind the hills and still not be bothered of another day coming to end, but actually be happy of all that I could do and see that day, seeing the sun rise and fill my lungs with new freshness to start another day in the quest of surprises the world has in store for me. I want to do all of this and more. Not in that exact order though.

I’m craving and longing to actually ‘live’. You know what I mean?

And yay! I can post today. And muahs to all you guys who cared to reply to my rant in earlier post. Have I told you that I love you all? Of course I will soon put all your suggestions to work. Promise

This is a delayed post, which was in drafts since a few days. Publishing it as the mood is still raw and same!

***

By now I am quite used to s**t happening almost all the time. So much so that I live through it and successfully. I don’t care any more. And if you’re working you’d know what I mean when I say, s**t always happens at workplace. You wake up all fresh and eager to do something successfully and something s****y is thrust upon you and told above that, that you are the only person who can successfully handle it. Even worse you’re not told anything at all. Just given the work you despise and the deadline. You are expected to sit late, come on weekends and simply speaking work you’re a** off on something for which you barely get any credit. Make that no-credit. Now why would someone want to do such work, you may ask. Of course there will be souls who do this all the time, like yours truly. Yes, I sit late and come on weekends for a work that no more matters to me. Then what does? Isn’t that question a tad obvious?   And a lazy goose that I am, I’m still enduring all this. When I ask myself ‘why am I doing this?’ I get complete silence from myself. I know that is because I have been lazy to get my bum up and look for another job. Crazy fool that I am, not valuing time which is slipping by every second. I realize all that when I begin doing meaningless stuff. I’m typing this when I should be resolving some issue unknown to me, which is dependent on some local configuration which is very bummy and not working at all, because of which I am not able to see the issue. Without seeing the issue, I cannot resolve it. See the cyclic dependency? It’s crazy it’s almost getting to me.

I don’t know if I’ll ever improve. Time for it though.

This too, is a letter to myself.

Oh I really don’t, and you guys know it. I have been awarded again! So need to walk down the red-carpet to accept them. Can you guys please do away with the podium and focus lights this time Swaram and Niv? Thankie babes, I love you!

*Lively with simple make up a huge smile on her face, enters the area and to her shock finds the podium and focus lights intact.

, so it’s time for another dramatic acceptance speech after all* I didn’t know you like my acceptance speech so much tee hee so let’s get on with it.

*Steps on the huge dias and takes the awards from Swaram herself*
“Thank you so much for the award dear, I cannot tell you what an immense pleasure it is to have this and from you. Though I’ve done a small acceptance speech on your blog, the fact that focus lights are still on beckons me to do one more. I thank the lovely people responsible for this: all my blog readers and all the blogs I read. Also the blogs which I don’t read because I don’t read them! Else I’d have written something else, which you would’nt have liked and I wouldn’t have gotten these awards
Thank you once again everyone. Especially Swaram for thinking pf me while giving the awards (though you might have done it out of habit, of reading my blog frequently )” *kisses Swaram on both cheeks and hugs her (trying to steal more limelight by refusing to step down)*

Awards by Swaram:
‘Inspirational Blogger‘ award (which doesn’t have an img so I can’t link it here )
I pass this to:
Usha
IHM
MM
Sayesha

‘I love your blog‘ award (whose img I have linked before).


I pass these on to everybody on my blogroll.

I pass this to:
Swaram
Pixie
MM
Chandni
Mandy
M
Sayesha
IHM
Usha
Niv

And now I have to run to attend the ceremony at Niv’s. *Lively hires a cab quickly calculating in mind how much she could’ve saved had she taken the city bus (though it’d look odd what with all the make up and hired designer outfit )*
Finally reached Niv’s in time. *Looks at self in the small mirror taken out from the huge (rented shhhh)bag and sees that not much has changed* So I climb the steps to the grand dais.

*Looks around and waves at all the bloggers gathered (virtually,logged in through their webcams). Takes award from Niv. And now the routine speech (even if you’re bored to death by now )*
“Thank you Niv, it gives me a high to know that you see me in such high regards. I make you smile? Seriously? (to self- even I didn’t know that). Very well, now that you’ve chosen me, I’d thank all those people who have smiled foolishly at the lame jokes I cracked, and sometimes PJs too. Those who still think that I can make jokes. The bloggers who have encouraged me to make jokes on them(not publicly) and those who have laughed at me (obviously for the silly jokes). Thank you guys, and continue what you’ve been doing- laughing . And it’s time I too had my last laugh on this brightly decorated dais ) “

Award by Niv:

I again pass this on to all on my blog list At one point or the other, all have made me smile.

Now the recepients, let me know if I should host a ceremony for your acceptance or will it go wasted like the last time. I’ve done my job. Ball in your court.

Thank you peeps. Keep reading this space, for more insanity, rage, love and laughs.

Love you all.

Muaahs! :*

Red carpet and stage images courtesy: Google images of course

Right now, I’m in a neutral state of mind and not. Yes, both at the same time. My mind is in a strange calm while thoughts are still running as usual. May be finally my head has found out how it works . So there is really very little to write. But the itch that has risen due to blog-inactivity for sometime is making me type all this. So now that I’ve made it clear that I don’t have a particular topic to blog about, those who are in the middle of some serious business can resume their business, lest at the end of the post you decide to hunt me down for all the waste of time .

Time has been flying like… err… wind. I mean it is there but still can’t hold it or feel it. I can’t see the days passing by, they are just a blur. I will be all plans for the evening to be effectively utilized and before I know it’s already morning, I wake up groggy and late for office. I’m so tired and achy that I’m sure wherever I touch it’s gonna pain. And no, I am not sad, but thrilled of all that has been happening. I haven’t gotten around completing the certification I’ve been talking about since ages (I’m sure you’re bored of hearing that by now and decided it’s my trait to keep talking about things I can’t do) but not feeling bad about it. I have realized that what I have been doing otherwise is more important and enjoyable, to me. The rest can wait. Getting priorities right is a tough job and you can never be sure if you’ve really got it right. That makes me wonder… Hmmm.

The weekend that has almost started isn’t successful in exciting me. I will be going home to get some important things done, planning to drive (fearing I will forget to drive and might lose the license) and basically be cool with everything, whatsoever happens. Yes, that is decided. I’m not gonna fret or get irritated over things that will not matter anyway.

I missed the meet with Pixie and Swaram and I’m so sorry guys. Will definitely make up for it the next time we meet. I also have to meet Niv and Y. It’s been too long. I have two books- Catch 22 and Tuesdays with Morrie (thanks for this Y) with me which I have to start reading before the cockroaches think they have a chance. This is actually more for myself as reminder than for you as an update .

The weekend is Dasara and I’m not really excited as it wasn’t a big once since my childhood. Some elaborate pooja, relatives visiting and some sweets is what I am expecting. Pretty much the normal stuff if you ask me. But still glad that it is Dasara and I get to do something extra. Festivals bring such joy from inside of you that you simply can’t ignore it.

So Happy Dasara to you, your friends and family. Nimagu nimma bandhu baLagakku Vijayadashamiya shubhashayagalu. Hope you have a great extended weekend. Stay safe, warm and happy. Come back with a renewed vigor and radiance.

Cheerio.

Inside of my head, as it usually happens, got crapped up last night. Yes once again. May be I am not kind of getting used to it. Which is scary because I am totally this girl who completely blows off the top of her lungs at whoever that tries to mess with her mind. That was the rebellious past probably. Not so much now. I’ve stopped wallowing too. Which is a bit comforting because it indicates I’m growing up and caring less for what others say. But that is not what I wanted to say here. Talk about wandering off the point.

I read Sayesha this morning, and as expected she pepped me up. Reading her and imagining how easily she takes life just amazes me. I was grinning, not because there was a joke, but because I was happy seeing the crazy and different ways by which she and her friends live. And I realized; I so wanted to be like her. I was like her, sometime back. Totally crazy and giggling and chatting all the time. Then something changed. Now I can’t go back to being that girl, but I am definitely happy, differently though. But I have lot on my mind which I would otherwise not have liked to bother about. I’ve stayed still for so long that I’m sure I’ve grown spider webs inside my head. I just want to shake all that dust and take a dip at some beach or something. Just to make things different. This is not me, I can’t be and do the same thing all over again and keep doing it. I need and want change. It is what I live on. It is what makes me happy and keeps me alive. I want to live. I want to get up and smell the roses, take a walk in the moonlight and dance in the rain just for the heck of it. And I know what is restraining me.

I don’t know if I like it but I take things too seriously. I let people rule me. I take guilt trips. I get scared if I’ll hurt someone somewhere. I get enclosed in a box created by myself. I suffocate and I die. This is usually like a cycle, keeps happening all over again. But I’m tired. I’m tired of all this. I’m tired of giving myself up for holding up the other person. I’m tired of being the one to take blame. I’m tired of caring what the other person might think if I do something. I’m basically tired of being someone else. This is not me.

Now that I’ve made the decision everyone else can go to hell or wherever they want to take their sorry selves. I’m not going to budge or give in. I’ll hold my own. And live like I want to, without bothering what others are thinking every frigging second.

Nobody can walk over me and nobody can treat me like a nobody.

Over & out.

I had written this on friday but couldn’t post due to access problems at office. And now that I can access the blog *yippee* I’m posting this.
Was completely and absolutely frustrated on friday, so this will qualify as a rant. You can feel free to skip.
***

Sometimes however hard you try to think and feel everything is fine and you are happy and you ought to be happy for the day, you end up feeling like s**t. It is especially applicable if you are treated like shit that too in a professional set up. It is horrible to feel this way, particularly on a Friday when one is looking forward to have a good weekend.

Mind screwed up beyond repair, add to it no access to blogs and one gets a perfect s***ty day to go through. Of course swearing under breath always accompanies this kind of a mood. One thought if it was all dished out on the blog, then things would settle down. Now one doesn’t want to vent it all for one wants it to build up inside and blow. Yes, that is the solution to the situation. It’s time to take matters in one’s own hands.

If one has too many things on one’s mind, one will always forget few important things like pouring tea after adding sugar to the cup and ends up bringing the cup with only sugar to one’s desk.
Sigh!

If you know me, you know where the post is headed. If you are not ready for a mind racking, confusing, emotional tour then I suggest you refrain from continuing henceforth.

So you decided to continue anyway? Fine lets get it done with.

Yes, this one is again about relationships. All kinds of relationships- siblings, parent-child, lovers, etc. I am very fascinated with the way things work among people. The way we behave with others. The way we talk and think when we are with someone. It differs. We know it. In that sense, each one of us is a hypocrite, to our own self. Don’t you think so? I, for one, have been quite a hypocrite, and I know it. I am trying to change it though.

There is a lot which goes through one’s mind when it comes to relationships. They are those which never go in a simple straight line. It has to go up then come down, go in circles and sometimes only dots separated by spaces. You know what I mean, right?

There are times when we bond, share things/thoughts/emotions. It feels like nothing else in the world. A sense of contentment and solace. The feel of being loved and cared. It seems like that is all we live for. But after the day the sun has to set and things have to change. People share, care and do things for us, doesn’t mean we own them. There always comes a time when we have to let go of our hold. To let them be. For them to go see the world in their own way.

This is so true about parents and children. How parents are scared to let go of their child, fearing what the world would bring on and if it would hurt their precious little thing. Solilo and IHM (Thanks for the link IHM ) have spoken beautifully about what a parent goes through when it is time to let go. But one does have to let go. It is the rule of nature. Animals know it better than us. But what would happen if you don’t let go? If you still want to hold on to the person, it will just create a hindrance a boundary for them, which they will forever be scared to cross. We deprive them of the wonders the world would offer otherwise. Of course there are risks. But what is life without some? Life itself is a risk after all. We didn’t arrive here with a guarantee tag around our necks.

And then there are times when things seem to lose meaning and we seem to lose a hold on ourselves. That is when everything seems to go wrong. Right from the word go, right from the time you wake up. The person nearest to you speaks of things which break your heart. But if the person is so precious that your heart could break because of what they said, then there might be a reason why they said all that. Trying to see that reason is beyond wit, beyond what mind can comprehend at that instant. Because it is not the matter of mind at all. Give them some time, cut them some slack, and be there to hear them out. It sure is not easy to give up your ego and listen to piercing words. But holding on a little more usually helps. They usually come back and say they are sorry. That they were in a certain mess because of which they said what they said. That is when you realize the worth of that little holding on. The decision to stay in turbulent times, to be there even if you’re ignored, it is tough. But this is no rule. There are always exceptions. There will always be people close to you who decide to go far away, about which you can do little. Or almost nothing.

There is no equation to life, or to relationships or to any other thing. This I speak purely from my own experience. You can never say what a certain action of yours would bring on, of course in a larger picture (you’d always pass the exams if you study well ).

But then relationships, as they say are like kacche dhaage (thin threads), one has to make sure one does not create too many knots resulting in damage to the thread. One has to strike a fine balance, trying not to suffocate the other person involved.

I believe this applies to one’s relation with oneself, with one’s soul. But in this case, you can never let go. But always hold on. If you know what I mean.