Peek-into-my-head of the day

Inside of my head, as it usually happens, got crapped up last night. Yes once again. May be I am not kind of getting used to it. Which is scary because I am totally this girl who completely blows off the top of her lungs at whoever that tries to mess with her mind. That was the rebellious past probably. Not so much now. I’ve stopped wallowing too. Which is a bit comforting because it indicates I’m growing up and caring less for what others say. But that is not what I wanted to say here. Talk about wandering off the point.

I read Sayesha this morning, and as expected she pepped me up. Reading her and imagining how easily she takes life just amazes me. I was grinning, not because there was a joke, but because I was happy seeing the crazy and different ways by which she and her friends live. And I realized; I so wanted to be like her. I was like her, sometime back. Totally crazy and giggling and chatting all the time. Then something changed. Now I can’t go back to being that girl, but I am definitely happy, differently though. But I have lot on my mind which I would otherwise not have liked to bother about. I’ve stayed still for so long that I’m sure I’ve grown spider webs inside my head. I just want to shake all that dust and take a dip at some beach or something. Just to make things different. This is not me, I can’t be and do the same thing all over again and keep doing it. I need and want change. It is what I live on. It is what makes me happy and keeps me alive. I want to live. I want to get up and smell the roses, take a walk in the moonlight and dance in the rain just for the heck of it. And I know what is restraining me.

I don’t know if I like it but I take things too seriously. I let people rule me. I take guilt trips. I get scared if I’ll hurt someone somewhere. I get enclosed in a box created by myself. I suffocate and I die. This is usually like a cycle, keeps happening all over again. But I’m tired. I’m tired of all this. I’m tired of giving myself up for holding up the other person. I’m tired of being the one to take blame. I’m tired of caring what the other person might think if I do something. I’m basically tired of being someone else. This is not me.

Now that I’ve made the decision everyone else can go to hell or wherever they want to take their sorry selves. I’m not going to budge or give in. I’ll hold my own. And live like I want to, without bothering what others are thinking every frigging second.

Nobody can walk over me and nobody can treat me like a nobody.

Over & out.