you find that only one thought about one person keeps running in your mind, while you try in vain to concentrate things at hand?

I give up and start thinking about the said person!

After the roller coaster of emotions the calm has set in, mind has become clearer and thoughts aligned. And I’ve got some real ‘me’ time this weekend. This is a reason for me to be happy. So I am happy. That is so important isn’t it? Time for oneself, to think things through, to enjoy oneself, to clear one’s mind. I believe everyone should have some time to do this.

We are so busy with mundane things that we forget the most important of things sometimes. Don’t you think? For most of us work has become a synonym for ‘life’. And for many women, family has become synonym for ‘life’. Why is it treated as selfish to expect to get sometime for oneself? Why is it thought of as mean? Sometimes people who like to be alone are thought of as loners. There is some difference. When I meet a lot of people and talk my mind tends to get cluttered by all the information and hence works a lot more than I’d want it to at times. At times I’d want to relax, stay alone and do nothing. That would probably appear to some as maniacal behavior.

I was busy with thinking about things, a lot of things, that I had forgotten to even look at myself properly in a mirror. I was busy thinking about my future, career, personal life, social life etc that I forgot to think about the time that was slipping by. I had changed. Now I realize it was the wrong direction of thought, not absolutely, but somewhat. I’ve been worrying so much lately that I lost the time that slipped by. I forgot to enjoy life.

Whatever I do, wherever I go, it is this life that will always be with me, passing by each day. Buried deep in thoughts, I sometimes forgot to smile to my friends. But I don’t want to have regrets when I die. I don’t want to feel that I could’ve tried and didn’t just because I was busy doing something else. I don’t want to think that I could’ve been happier and spread more cheer. I should be happy to make others happy, right? I don’t want to die a partial death. And though I don’t really believe in ghosts, I don’t wish to come back as a ghost just because I couldn’t do some stuff when I was alive. Yes, my ultimate wish is to die a happy, peaceful death. And I think it is I who has to carve the path towards it.

I don’t know where this post is leading for I’m not steering it in the direction it is going. I’m merely typing all the rumbling going on inside my mind, which might actually not make any sense. I don’t blame you if you weren’t able to understand this, I don’t expect anyone to understand the kind of stuff I dish out sometimes.

Just that I’m kinda having a philosophical thinking cap on right now. Hope that in someway helps to achieve the purpose of this post.

Last evening was bliss. Did nothing too wonderful, still it was special. Lots of silly talk, reliving old memories and giggling a lot can be such a benefit to health. Add to it heavenly palak rice and I was on cloud nine. It was a simple celebration of something very personal.

Life is not all that bad after all.

It has been a hectic day, not literally, but in my mind. So many of them, thoughts, crossing my mind; that it is difficult to keep tabs of them. To get some back when I want to think further. But still I’m somehow not agitated. Probably this is what they call the calm before the storm, for a huge storm seems to be forming at the bottom of my heart. It’s just that some things started crossing my mind too often and as everybody know I think a lot.

Actually I think a lot about things that don’t much matter to others. I dream a lot about things which involves others also. I just travel into this fairy world of mine where everything seems rosy and happy. But more often I’m thrown back, headfirst, to reality. It’s usually late by the time I realize what a waste it was to have dreamt about something which was never meant to be. And I still don’t learn. Fairy dreams are addictive that way.

Had I said that I’m kinda stupid? No? Now I do. I’m very stupid in many ways. In imagining that everything will turn out as I expected, that things will start looking good. The eternal optimist that I am. Duh! I’ve realized that I am this silly stupid girl who keeps trying to find silver lining in each and every cloud she sees. It might not be wrong, but it is definitely not right for my own health. The result, as usual, not being very sweet. One of those kinds happened last night and again I cried my heart out over broken dreams. Now I’m kinda used to it. Did anyone know we can also talk very well even with tears streaming outta our eyes? Very well in the sense, with your voice steady and confident. Now you do.

Only yay moment was Federer’s Freanch Open win and seeing Hrithik in IIFA awards (though the ceremony s****d). Okay that’s two yay moments then. Good enough for a day, eh?

Now, if only I could wash-down the hurt and celebrate Fed’s win with a drink.

I think I can, so cheers to all you guys.
*clink*

Doesn’t the blog look so? New look, new header and all. I liked the colour, soothing blue and the header, a terrific scenic shot!

I wanted to revamp the space and have something new. So here I present the new theme for my old blog This is a kind of birthday present for my blog.

Yes, successfully completed 3 yrs of blogging, but had failed to notice.

I’m slowly getting back to thinking of posts and wanting to post. I keep thinking if this thing or that will make for good blog fodder. So I guess it’s all coming back (just like Jason Bourne hopes). But whenever I sit to write something, there is this tugging feeling in my mind that tells me, actually yells at me for not being committed to other important things. Like reading for this certification. But I’ve chosen to put aside those thoughts to write this one. So here I am typing away to glory.

One thing I so desperately wanted to tell you all is, for the first time in my life I cooked Pav-Bhaji and it turned out to be really yummy and tasty. Actually finger licking good. I took the recipe from homecooked. I was apprehensive about it turning out to be good, for it was my first time. But it turned out so good that I gave it to my other friends at PG too. They also enjoyed a night of good home cooked, less on fat Pav-Bhaji. I’m mighty impressed with myself. Thanks homecooked.

Some days before I had also tried Pasta, the recipe of which I took from theyumblog. It turned out to be ok. Macaroni were overcooked and hence broke a little. The taste was good nonetheless. I’m thinking of trying out the other recipes for Pasta. Suddenly the cook in me has woken up and I desperately want to try new stuff. I’m discovering that I’m quite a foodie and a fussy foodie on that one. Wow, I’m shocked! I always wanted my food to be tasty, less greasy, more nutritious, and now I like variety.

Besides that I haven’t been up to much. And of course I remember to nudge myself everytime my mind wanders into something totally useless. It’s time I realize that time is slipping by too fast and do something useful. Like cooking? For now, perhaps.

Hmmmmm so I haven’t been quite true to my words. When I had said I will write regularly I had meant atleast once a week. But I havent posted in more than two weeks now. Room for improvement. I always have that. I mean I’m never entirely good at what I do in the first shot. May be I want it to be that way. A lot is expected out of me and later disappointment happens. I’ve been pretty bad that way. Huh, so lets see what I did in these two weeks. I didn’t work much as I didnt have much work. I pretended to study what I had to study but I dont remember what I studied. I’m pretty much not doing anything useful and in general being a waste. Oh I watched some movies alright. I watched “Into the wild”, “Michel Clayton”, “Bend it like Beckham”. It was fun. I uess I’m slowly turning into a movie buff. Though I refuse to believe that. Some movie are still in pipeline. Namely, “My fair lady”, “one with the wind”.

The weekend is just going its own way. Nothin I planned happened. And I’m really feeling bad about it. And the key ‘g’ isn’t workin in my friend’s lappy where I’m typing huh!! I will have to stay up and wake up early to make up for the lost weekend. Seriously now that days are flyin like seconds.

The conductor in the city bus didn’t ive ticket after takin 5 rupees from me. He first gave me a ten rupee ticket and asked me to collect 5 rupee change later. I smelled foul play but then he went at the backside so I couldn’t talk to him. Soon my stop came and I stood to collect change. He took the ticket, gave me the change and didnt at all give the ticket back to me. I asked for a 5 rp ticket he said he didnt have and he’s sorry. WTF? I ave him a piece of my mind before gettin down. I shall write about this tactic of the bus conductors in some other post in detail.

Actually there are a lot of WTF moments happenin with  me lately.

Don’t call my name,
Don’t wake me up,
Don’t shout out loud.
Let me sleep,
Let me dream,
Let me surrender to the surreal reality.

I’m flowing, light as the air,
Flowing away from all that I dont need.
There s no sadness, there s no despair,
There is nothing to be afraid of.
Sweet scents caressing my hair,
I sway to the mild breeze.
Some soothing clouds here and there,
Now sorrows will all freeze.

Don’t shake me to see,
I know this isn’t reality.
It is much more than real,
It’s not only touch, I can actually feel.
No evil resides in here.
Nobody to haunt me, nobody to fear.

Leave me alone, let me be myself.
I don’t want to wake up, I dont want to know.
For the world of my dreams is my home.
It’s where my heart is, it’s where I want to go.
There are no shadows or reflections,
Only around my head a faint little glow.

Don’t try to knock,
The door is closed.
I love my world too much to share.
Let this go on,
Let me believe.
I’m too happy right now to care.

So many nights, I wondered wide awake
Why do I have to put up with stuff, For other people’s sake?
Why worry over matters out of hand?
Why, for others, my heart should break?

I cried for a thousand shattered dreams,
Burned wings which could no more flutter.
My Voice drowned in innumerable screams,
All left was a silent mutter.

The heart has come a long way,
Travelling through myriads of emotions.
Through a long, lonely, endless road,
Through countless, meaningless notions.

I realize it has carried all it felt,
Every trace of love, And many a heartbreak.
Now so vulnerable, I can feel it melt,
Every stored tear, And smile flowing away.

Now the burden of my heart is unbearable.
I can neither drop it, Nor is it shareable.
I should have let go when I could.
Instead of carrying it all along.
Burdened heart does me no good,
Neither here, nor there does it belong.

There is actually no particular point behind this post. It’s not an update, but a simple type-what-comes-into-mind stuff. It’s been a while since I did this. I feel liberated.

I have been longing to write a well meaning and detailed post since quite sometime now. I won’t play the same old tune of why I didn’t write it. Now that I’ve learnt that there is something called as commitment, I better make good use of my knowledge.

During the days when I didn’t write here, I was writing inside my head. About things that needed to be out of my system, both joy and pain alike. I know it has been a very long break, and I need to read a lot more to get an insight into what is happening in the blogs I used to read (I’ve started already). The fact that I know that it’s been a long time is the reason for my hindrance to write. Fear of being accepted/rejected/neglected. But I know it doesn’t matter, for I write for myself. It is a wonderful experience to go through all that you documented in the past days/months/years and get this funny feeling in the pit of stomach. Now evaluating the situation with changed perspectives, to see how I’ve grown into what I am. I havent had the time to go through all of my own posts but I plan to do it sometime. It is a very healing practice. Atleast for me.

Sometimes we don’t realize how much love there is in the world, before we actually feel it. The more you give, the more you find. It might not come from the one you gave it to, but still you will find it. Probably within yourself, so that you can give more. It has happened to me. Believe me, there s no more joy than giving out whatever you have. You feel more at peace with yourself. And of course it is selfish. I also believe that there is no act of human which is unselfish. If you know what I mean.

It is important to know that to love is not to bind. Everyone has their own view about things; forcing one’s down the other’s throat is definitely hurtful. Both to the individuals involved and to the relationship. That is why I have decided to let go. I have practiced patience on my part, deciding only to give. And give as much as I can, as I want. More than that can hurt me, and I’m not ready for that. Not yet.

One can never understand the way relationships work, not completely. It’s always case specific and trial & error based. You never know how it is going to turn out. I’m neither lucky nor unlucky, as I have gained some and lost some. Oh yes, I have definitely lost some. But again, there’s always a letting go of things and holding back of the memories.

Time and again I’ve faltered and have become extremely emotional. I’m only human. I know I will falter again, because I’m human and also because I’m weak. It’s a big deal to accept it as it is. To have the strength, to face the situations head on and not be affected by it is something that I’ve always wanted. It’s like to be in control of the situation. I have been there, but couldn’t stay there. Requires a lot of courage, direction, will and confidence. All the things which occur in me only intermittently.

I’m not ranting, I don’t feel like it right now. It’s just that there are certain things that need acceptance and I havent had the courage to do it. I havent been completely honest to myself at all times. This is one thing I’ve learnt from the Significant One. “You can fool everyone else, but you can not deceive yourself. Not for a long time.” So I’ve stopped running from it.

Setting priorities in life is very important to sort the problems out. I’ve got to spend quite some time in this direction. I think I will.